F This Movie! 373 - The F This Movie Fest 6 Show

The gang recaps the 2017 F This Movie Fest.



Download this episode here. (34.1 MB)

Subscribe to F This Movie! in iTunes.

Listen to F This Movie! on Stitcher.

Artwork courtesy of Rik Schlimbach. Thanks, Rik! Follow him on Twitter at @MonsieurRik

It's F This Movie Fest!

The day to celebrate all of your favorite movies of 1987 is here!

Today is F This Movie Fest 6! Starting at Noon CST, we'll be tweeting our way through five classic films from 1987. Be sure to follow @fthismovie on Twitter for the start times -- we'll say when to press play on each new film -- and follow along with the hashtag #fthismoviefest all day to get in on the conversation. If you want to know more about #fthismoviefest, check here for the full details.

And be sure to follow our Facebook page, as we'll be going live throughout the day and will be broadcasting our post-fest wrapup podcast LIVE following The Monster Squad. We're in with the technology!

Noon

The Princess Bride

(98 min., dir. Rob Reiner)

2 p.m.

Predator

(107 min., dir. John McTiernan)

4:15 p.m.

Raising Arizona

(94 min., dir. Joel & Ethan Coen)

6:15 p.m.

RoboCop

(101 min. dir. Paul Verhoeven)

8:30 p.m.

The Monster Squad

(82 min., dir. Fred Dekker)

#fthismoviefest!

Heavy Action: 1987 Year in Review

by Patrick Bromley

I'm on record as saying that 1991 might be the best year for action movies in history. If that's true, 1987 sure does give it a run for its money.

I wanted to do a #HeavyAction column to close out 1987 week (only one more day until F This Movie Fest!), but I had too hard a time settling on which movie to write about. The solution? Write about a whole bunch of action movies! This was a great year for the genre, with a handful of all-time classics, influential films and movies that just plain kick ass. Let's take a look back at the year in action.

1987 was really the year that cemented Arnold Schwarzenegger as one of the biggest movie stars of the day, with two of his best-loved action movies released in a single year: Predator (dir. John McTiernan) in the summer and The Running Man (dir. Paul Michael Glaser) just a few months later. Between these two movies, we get to see almost everything he does best: kick ass, crack one-liners and get to the chopper. A lot of his films have leaned towards sci-fi and sometimes horror, both of which are represented by these two films. Shortly after this he could make a couple of hugely successful comedies (Twins and Kindergarten Cop) and then hit absolute peak stardom with Terminator 2: Judgment Day, after which there was a slow but steady decline in his box office power. Predator and The Running Man are like those two great albums a band makes just before they get super popular and mainstream. There's a purity to them that makes them special while still being glossy enough to cross over to the big show.

This was the year that gave us Lethal Weapon (dir. Richard Donner), still maybe the best buddy cop movie ever made. It's exciting and violent and incredibly entertaining but still surprisingly dark, without all the silly humor that would creep into the franchise more and more. I know it's all gone upside down since Mel Gibson was revealed to be a raging asshole, but he really brings it in this one. Richard Donner directs with his usual no-nonsense style and the movie has none of the bloat that its sequels would carry (said as someone who is a fan of the first three movies in the series to one degree or another). Plus, Gary Busey is the series' best villain, and that's an area where Lethal Weapon has always come up a little short. But really it's Danny Glover who is the soul of that movie -- a normal family guy who is a good and professional cop sucked into something big and dangerous because he's partnered up with a suicidal psychopath. As much as Lethal Weapon is about Martin Riggs teaching Roger Murtaugh that sometimes you have kick ass and get your hands dirty, it's about Murtaugh teaching Riggs that life is good and worth living. Theirs feels like a real friendship. While Mel Gibson gets to do all the crazy, fun, badass stuff, Danny Glover has to sell the hard material.

One of the very best action movies of the year...actually, one of the best action movies of all time...actually, one of the best movies of all time period...is RoboCop, Dutch madman Paul Verhoeven's brilliant satire of American fascism and corporate culture. Part dystopian sci-fi, part monster movie, part black comedy, part insanely violent action film, RoboCop is the movie that has everything and a movie that hasn't lost a step in 30 years -- neither the comedy nor the effects have dated (though some might disagree when it comes to Phil Tippett's stop-motion effects, but those people are bastard people). I know I have a lot of favorite movies, but RoboCop is absolutely one of them. RIP Miguel Ferrer.

Another action masterpiece released in 1987 is Walter Hill's Extreme Prejudice, still maybe the best Sam Peckinpah movie that Sam Peckinpah never made. With one of the best casts of badasses ever assembled for a showdown in a border town run by Powers Booth, Extreme Prejudice is everything that Walter Hill does so well cranked up as far as it will go: violent, tough, sweaty, hard-boiled and rigid in its adherence to a code. How this movie is not better known I still don't understand, even though part of me suspects it has something to do with the title. It's also never been readily available in any decent format; the only Region 1 DVD is a garbage full frame hatchet job from Artisan (the kings of the garbage full frame hatchet jobs back in the day). There's a UK Blu-ray that exists but I have not been able to check it out. If you're a fan of action movies or westerns and have never seen this, fix that as soon as possible.

The Bond franchise celebrated its 25th anniversary by introducing new 007 Timothy Dalton in The Living Daylights (dir. John Glen), a film I'm on the record as loving more than almost any other Bond movie. It's not just that I think T. Dalts is an underrated Bond (I don't automatically love his only other outing, Licence to Kill, a movie with which I still have a lot of problems), but also because I love the old-fashioned sense of adventure and globe-trotting scope. The romance between Bond and Kara (Maryam d'Abo) is very sweet and genuine and there are a lot of really great set pieces. This isn't just a good Bond movie in comparison to the Roger Moore entries that precede it; it's one of the best of the whole franchise.

Burt Reynolds released no fewer than three action films in 1987 alone, with varying degrees of success. The best of them is probably Heat (dir. Dick Richards, Jerry Jameson), written by William Goldman based on his novel. The production itself was a disaster -- five different directors reportedly worked on the film (including Robert Altman for a day, supposedly), with two credited for the end result -- but Reynolds is good as a Vegas bodyguard who takes a job working for Peter MacNicol and gets caught up with some gangsters after they rough up a call girl. Though more of a crime drama than a traditional action film, there's good character work and some strong sequences that shine through all the behind-the-scenes drama. It was remade a couple of years ago as Wild Card, starring Jason Statham. Schlockier but not much less entertaining, Malone (dir. Harley Cokeliss) casts Reynolds as an ex-CIA operative who gets temporarily laid over in a small Northwest town being systematically dismantled by Cliff Robertson as a wealthy asshole. This is Reynolds' On Deadly Ground; his Nowhere to Run. It's dopey but has just enough coolness -- and the presence of Cynthia Gibb -- to be totally good. Finally there's Rent-a-Cop (dir. Jerry London), a really odd and not entirely successful cop drama/romance pairing Reynolds' ex-Chicago cop agreeing to protect a daffy call girl played by Liza Minnelli. If you think this sounds like an odd pairing, you're right. They are in very different movies, and Rent-a-Cop never quite figures out how to handle the comedy that threatens to overtake the movie. It's a fascinating misfire for Burt Reynolds fans, but doesn't work as a film.

One of the highest-grossing movies of 1987, the action-comedy Beverly Hills Cop II (dir. Tony Scott) emphasized the "action" half of the "action comedy" hybrid Martin Brest did so well with the original Beverly Hills Cop to much lesser effect. Tony Scott takes over as director so the movie is slick and looks great, but is also hollow and mean-spirited and driven almost entirely by star Eddie Murphy's ego. The action is good -- of course it is with Tony Scott directing -- but the movie is a huge step down from the original and I suspect only as successful as it was because there was so much goodwill towards Eddie Murphy and the first Beverly Hills Cop. Movies like Beverly Hills Cop II are a big part of why audiences eventually turned on Murphy.

1987 was also the year that saw Whoopi Goldberg try to launch her own Beverly Hills Cop with Fatal Beauty (dir. Tom Holland), a movie that lifts the BH Cop formula wholesale but is too violent and nonsensical to break through with the same box office success. Goldberg is an L.A. narcotics cop battling the spread of a new street drug ("Fatal Beauty") that's killing off those who take it, leading her to a characteristically psychotic Brad Dourif as the big bad. I like this one a lot more than the same year's BH Cop II, if only because it manages to retain the scrappy spirit of the original BH Cop and the action is handled better because it's not being undercut with vanity and inappropriate humor. Fatal Beauty is the nastier movie, but it comes by its nastiness much more honestly.

A movie I've championed a handful of times on this site, Enemy Territory (dir. Peter Manoogian), comes from the heyday of Empire Pictures, the studio run by Charles Band in his pre-Full Moon days. I won't repeat what I've written about it in the past -- you can read it here and here -- but I will use it as proof that even the low-budget action scene was prospering in 1987. By this point we had movies being made that would do their business primarily on the home video market but which still played movie screens, meaning we got action films with a DTV sensibility but a big-screen budget and scope. Enemy Territory feels like that kind of movie.

My beloved Cannon Films was also still going strong in 1987, though their days were numbered thanks to expensive but unsuccessful attempts at competing with the majors like Over the Top, Masters of the Universe and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (dir. J. Lee Thompson) couldn't possibly live up to the violent insanity of Death Wish 3, but it's not for lack of trying. Charlie Bronson is a little too aged and stiff to still be a convincing action hero, but there's enough craziness throughout to make it worthwhile. If nothing else, it has one of the best last scenes of any '80s action movie. Bronson made a second film for Cannon in 1987, Assassination (dir. Peter R. Hunt), in which he plays a Secret Service agent assigned to protect the First Lady (played by his real-life wife Jill Ireland, who often brings out the best in Bronson on screen). Cannon also put out American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, the first follow-up to the long-running American Ninja series starring Michael Dudikoff and the great Steve James. The plot is as ridiculous as ever, but the movie is fun and any chance to watch Steve James throw ninjas through tables is an easy recommendation. Then there's the buddy cop movie Number One With a Bullet (dir. Jack Smight), a movie I've recommended a handful of times on this site starring Robert Carradine and Billy Dee Williams with screenplay credit going to Jim Belushi. I still can't decide if this movie is meant to be a parody of buddy cop action movies or the real deal -- I lean towards the latter -- but either way it's incredibly entertaining. Robert Carradine is completely miscast as the cigar chomping, smartass tough guy cop but he completely runs with it. This movie needs a Blu-ray release. You listening, Kino?

Rutger Hauer headlined Wanted Dead or Alive, one of the first times he got to headline an action movie as the hero instead of the villain. It's a sequel/spin-off of the '50s TV series of the same name starring Steve McQueen, with Hauer playing a badass bounty hunter to track down a terrorist played by motherfucking Gene Simmons from KISS. One, please. Directed by the underrated Gary Sherman, this is really good (not great) '80s action drive-in fare with one of all-time great bad guy dispatchings. It's a New World title, so maybe it will get a Vestron Series Blu-ray sometime soon, provided they branch out from a horror and into other genre titles.

While the theatrical #HeaveyAction scene was booming in 1987, there were just as many also-rans that barely played in limited release -- the '87 equivalent of the DTV action movie. Some, like the Shô Kosugi vehicle Rage of Honor (dir. Gordon Hessler), I've seen. Others, like No Retreat, No Surrender 2 (dir. Corey Yuen), the in-name-only sequel to the JCVD classic, have eluded me. The king of Italian schlock Bruno Mattei made Strike Commando, a Vietnam action film starring Reb Brown, while the king of American schlock Fred Olen Ray made Commando Squad, in which former Playmate Kathy Shower must travel to Mexico to rescue her boyfriend, '80s action staple Brian Thompson (aka the bad guy in Cobra). Sid Haig, Russ Tamblyn, William Smith and Tane McClure all have supporting roles, so you'd better believe I'll be tracking this down sooner than later. Even the original Man on Fire (dir. Élie Chouraqui), the first attempt to adapt the 1980 novel of the same name that would be made famous years later by Tony Scott (who reportedly was originally considered to direct this version) and Denzel Washington, was released this year. Scott Glenn plays Creasy and Joe Pesci plays the Christopher Walken role as his ex-special forces pal. Hunter star and ex-football player Fred Dryer made his lone attempt at action movie stardom with Death Before Dishonour, in which he plays a Marine fighting off an army of Middle Eastern soldiers when they attack an embassy. Martin Kove, a regular supporting player in several classic '80s movies (including The Karate Kid and Rambo: First Blood Part II), made the jump to leading man status with Steele Justice (dir. Robert Boris), another Vietnam-influenced action film about a vet seeking revenge for the death of his friend.

Maybe most important of all is Hard Ticket to Hawaii, one of the many shitty action movies made by Andy Sidaris and a movie that will forever be very, very special to me. The movie, a typical blend of Sidaris action and women in bikinis, has become meme-worth in recent years thanks to a frisbee sequence that has to be seen to be believed. On one of the last nights hanging out before moving to California, Doug came to the house with Mike and Adam Thas and we watched Hard Ticket to Hawaii complete with a pizza buffet and plastic leis. To say that we had a good time with it is an understatement; it remains one of my all-time favorite viewing experiences in large part because of a late movie surprise that got a reaction from the four of us unlike I've ever had watching a movie before or since. I can't recommend watching it on your own because I suspect it would be pretty boring, but if you ever get the chance to watch it with Doug, Mike and Adam I suggest you do it. And always remember Chekov's snake.

Thirteen Reasons to Love Can't Buy Me Love

by Erika Bromley

Chips, dips, and dorks!

All week we’ve been celebrating the year 1987, and though I was just a baby at that time (shhhhh), somehow Can’t Buy Me Love became a significant film of my adolescence. It all started when my aunt Lori gave me a copied VHS tape with Ghostbusters, Hairspray, and Can’t Buy Me Love all on it. (Thank you, Auntie Lori! And thank you Mom for letting me watch those three films repeatedly. Not a bad group of '80s movies to be stuck with.) I watched that tape ALL. THE. TIME. I know the film has its flaws. But so many of the lines have stuck with me through the years – and some of the film’s lessons still resonate today. Love it or hate it (and I clearly LOVE it), it’s filled with memorable moments.

1. Cindy Mancini’s hair. I bet those highlights are natural. It’s perfect curly, wavy, straight, or crimped. She even makes 1987 side wings look good.

2. Seth Green as Chuckie Miller.

3. Cindy revealing her independence #1: Defending Ronald for sitting in the visitors’ section.

4. The music, and not just the Beatles song. There's "French Kissing in the USA," "Actress," and my favorite “Living in a Box” by Living in a Box from their album Living in a Box.

5. Cindy Mancini’s hair.

6. Cindy revealing her independence #2: “Of course I can do it” –before scaling the wall at the “Airplane Graveyard.”

7. Cindy revealing her independence #3: “The name is Cindy, and don’t call me Babe.”

8. Cindy Mancini’s hair.

9. Cindy revealing her independence #4 (and making us all wonder why she hangs out with any of her “friends”): “Next time I see one I’ll remember that” (in reference to her friends speaking about being a lady).

10. Cindy revealing her independence #5: Her school dance date complains about his milkshake and seems to be a total dolt: ”Looks thick to me” – as she pours it on his long locks and beloved car. At this point, Cindy really doesn’t take sh*t from anybody*. She’s over trying to maintain the image of who her friends think she is supposed to be (I guess just based on her looks?). She’s not about to go public with her poetry yet, but I’m guessing she’s just a diploma away from saying “f it” and being true to who she really is.

*It seems like she still might take sh*t from Bobby, her away-at-college jock boyfriend. But it’s clear that she’s got more on her mind than her friends do, and it’s implied that she is starting to get tired of her “popularity” and wants to have deeper connections with people. Everyone around her is seeming fake, while her month of “pretending” with Ronald kind of made her get over that.

11. THE SLOW CLAP.

12. Sooo… Patrick Dempsey is really great in this movie. His sincere moments are never cringey or forced; when he starts to cry while apologizing to Kenneth at the arcade, it’s believable – and a little heartbreaking.

13. Speaking of arcades… this movie reminded me of all that we’ve lost since the many technologies that have allowed us to have almost everything we need for entertainment right in our own homes (or in our pockets!). People still need to get out of their houses – it’s how you meet people! Unless you live next door to someone willing to pay you to date them...leading to your eventual true love.

Growing Up Nerdy: 1987 Edition

by Adam Thas and Mike Pomaro

The Nerdy Boys are back for a very special 1987 week column!

Dear Growing Up Nerdy,
I miss you so much! Frankly, my life has just lost all meaning without a weekly column from you. With #Fthismoviefest coming this week, I was hoping that maybe we could get you two of you out of hiding to let us know your feelings about 1987? Please, Please come back, just to let me know you’re still around. I love you. I love you so much. You’re everything to me.
-Courtney

Adam: Well, with a message like that, I think that maybe we can break out the old typewriter for a few words. When I personally think about 1987, a few things come to mind: VCRs, GI Joe, one of my first celebrity crushes, the money Mike still owes me, and my father fast forwarding sex scenes.

I was most excited for one movie that year, and that was GI Joe: The Movie. 1987 was pretty much the tail end of my GI Joe obsession and I could not wait for the movie to come out. I watched it with a friend on my birthday and I was so excited. We got to see the origin of Cobra Commander, and so many of my friends seemed to be excited for it. Alas, though, I got older and my interest in the multitude of plastic toys I had accumulated became less important, and so did my interest in GI Joe.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still saw a ton of movies that year. I just didn’t see them in the theater because 1987 was the year my family got a VCR (we were a little late to the game). Being the oldest, if my father wanted to watch a movie he recruited me to watch it with him. We would sit around and watch movies on Saturday nights and I got to see so many violent movies with the sex scenes fast forwarded. My father was a pro, like a hunter taking the safety off his rifle; the second the sexy music started, my father would pull out the remote but he wouldn’t pull the trigger—not yet. No, my father would wait, he’d give it a few seconds, and then BAM! That sex scene went from not being shown… to being shown really fast.

Not only did movies become a family affair, but it was the babysitter too. Later that year, my mom and dad went to a wedding and left me at my grandparents' house. They rented one movie for all of us kids and one for just me after my siblings went to bed. We watched Adventures in Babysitting and I got to watch Spaceballs for the first time… it was glorious. There were plenty of movies that were either off limits or that my dad had no interest in watching. If it wasn’t for the kid down the street, I wouldn’t have seen Lost Boys until I was 25 years old. Turns out my parents were onto something, though, because I couldn’t eat Chinese food for 10 years after watching Lost Boys because I was afraid it was going to start moving. Between my family and my friends, though, I developed one of my earliest celebrity crushes: Courtney Thorne-Smith. In what seems like only days between each other, I watched Revenge of the Nerds II and Summer School, and fell absolutely in love with her-- or about as much as an eight-year old can. I didn’t know her name and she went on to have a pretty great career, but to me she’ll always be “that girl from Summer School.”

However I can’t talk about 1987 without talking about the street gang I was in with my best friend Mike (I say Mike because he hadn’t gotten the nickname “Ba” yet). Mike showed me the movie Predator for the first time, though I’m pretty sure he had watched it a minimum of forty times at that point. Together along with my brother and two other kids from down the street, we got together and called ourselves The Predators. We talked it over and the first thing that we needed to purchase for our badass street gang was walkie talkies. That’s right folks, it was walkie talkies or bust. We needed money for this so we put together a pool of cash. I put in $6. Weeks passed and so did The Predators. We never really became the suburban force that we thought we would be, probably because Mike never bought the walkie talkies. Here we are, 30 years later, and I don’t have my $6. That $6 compounded over 30 years, Mike owes me $187.68. So if you’re wondering why we don’t do Growing Up Nerdy regularly anymore, it’s because this motherfucker owes me money! I just can’t ignore it anymore.

Mike:First of all, I’d like to address what my “friend” claimed in his answer regarding the $6.00 he paid to be a part of The Predators. Did Adam give me $6.00 for Walkie-Talkies? Yes. Have I purchased them yet? No. Am I incredibly thorough in my research and holding out for the best possible Walkie-Talkies that The Predators deserve?? HELL YES. After this little tirade, however, there may be an opening in The Predators. If you’re interested, please attach your application in the comments below and donate $6.00 to F This Movie.*

As for 1987, I’d have to agree with what Adam said before he went off the rails at the end. 1987 was an amazing year for movies. It never occurred to me until I sat down to write this how much the films of that year are still very much about of my life today. Instead of picking just one movie to write about, here’s a rundown of how these movies impacted me at the time and even today:

- For years my sister Nicole, when calling me, would say, “Miiiichael” like EVERY CHARACTER does in The Lost Boys.

- When the phone would ring late at night my parents still turn to one another and say, “Who died?” thanks to Moonstruck.

- My wife, when repeating to me something that I keep forgetting to do, will lightly pat a nearby surface and in her best Frances McDormand impression say, “You’ve gotta do that, H.I..”

- I’ve written about it before, but A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 was my introduction to horror films, and began a pretty intense obsession with Freddy Krueger.

- I saw Good Morning, Vietnam the night before I started the fourth grade, and as I was brushing my teeth before bed I broke down crying as my parents mortality hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no idea why that was the moment, whether GMV hit me in a weird way, or anxiety about starting school the next day, or all of the above. All I know is I was using blue sparkling Crest toothpaste and the tears began to flow.

- Speaking of my parents, they took me to see Jaws: The Revenge in the theater (I am the youngest of seven kids; by the time they got to me they gave up trying to be appropriate adults). We were running late so we walked in as soon as the movie started. My mom left my dad and I to go get us popcorn, so 8 year old me had to give play-by-play to my blind father as (SPOILERS) Michael Brody was eaten alive by a great white. I haven’t seen that movie since and that’s about the only thing I remember.

- Thanks to Lethal Weapon, I witnessed my mom fan-girling for the first time over Mel Gibson. She had a lone picture of him from People Magazine that hung on our fridge for years. Her love of him decayed as he was exposed for the crazy person that he is. Luckily, Kit Harrington came along just in time to sweep my mom off of her feet. The King in the North!

- My wife Christy and I grew up next door to each other. We hung out when we were little kids and my fondest memory of going over to her house was when she brought me over to watch Adventures in Babysitting on Laserdisc.

- One of my earliest crushes was Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy.

- I used to annoy the hell out of my family walking around the house saying, “Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Is it the king approaching?” from Radio Days. My Mia Farrow impression was tight.

- RoboCop, like Raising Arizona, is a movie I loved when I saw it in 1987, but appreciate even more today. In 1990 I became pretty obsessed with Marvel’s RoboCop comic books and at the time even wrote a RoboCop comic I dreamed of having Marvel publish. Alas, 12 year old Mike never sent it to the Marvel offices like I planned and the world will never see the adventures RoboCop and I went on.

- Like Adam mentioned before, Predator had a big impact on me. My brother was in the Marines and my mom had his dog tags hanging in our house. After watching Predator for the first time, I stole them and formed the super-awesome group known as The Predators. I predict you guys will hear big things from The Predators in 2017.

*Not sure if Patrick has mentioned it before, but all donations to the site are going towards the purchase of Walkie-Talkies for members of F This Movie!.

1987: The Golden Age of Deregulation

by Adam Thas

Even though we weren’t aware of it at the time for many of us kids of the 80s, 1987 marked the end of a major part of our childhood. However, every story has a beginning. This one began with Reagan.

Before Ronald Reagan, there were regulations in place from the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) that said you could only advertise so many minutes toward children per half hour block of television. If you aren’t familiar with the 40th president of the United States, Reagan was no fan of regulation and in 1982 unofficially ordered the FCC to deregulate advertising in children’s programs. This opened the floodgates to the toy companies. Say you’re a toy company -- Hasbro, for example. Hasbro has an idea for these toys called Transformers, and instead of spending the money on advertising they create the show as the advertisement. With syndication in full swing throughout the world, you could then lease out story arcs to different animation houses all over the world; instead of selling them as full seasons, you could sell them as blocks directly to TV stations. For a person of my age, born in the late '70s or early '80s, these were the golden years. Not only did we have the toys, but we had a daily dose of shows to go along with it. This deregulation spawned shows like He-Man, Transformers, Silverhawks, Thundercats, and GI Joe, etc.

Like many kids growing up in the '80s, I was a fan of all of them but in particular I was a GI Joe guy. They were my favorites, I couldn’t get enough of them. Every new block of episodes of GI Joe would have a new vehicle or character that was marketed directly towards me, and I played right into it. It probably sounds almost evil, the thought of executives targeting a bunch of kids to squeeze as much money out of their parents as possible, but honestly, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I remember growing up spending my summers building giant forts in the sandbox and my winters in the basements with toys spread out all around the floor, playing out long stories that would last days. The only time I would take a break would be at 3:30 on weekdays to flip on WGN and watch the next episode of one of these shows. I was happy, and looking back on this time, these were some of the greatest of my life. The toys were affordable enough that I had as many as I could ever ask for, and the ones I didn’t have my friends did. I know now that I was being “preyed” upon, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The end was inevitable. Peter Lynch once said that toy companies are terrible investments because kids grow up and this year’s hot toy is replaced by another one next Christmas. The market had become flooded with new toy lines that mimicked the market model, the generation that grew up in the Golden Age of Deregulation was getting older and the toy companies that were responsible were about to go “all in” with a final money grab. In 1986, Hasbro released two movies; the first was My Little Pony, followed a few weeks later by Transformers: The Movie. Spoilers coming up, but seriously, it’s been 30 years! They were both box office disasters. No one went to go see My Little Pony and the few that saw Transformers were upset by the death of Optimus Prime. Not a good “family” experience when your kid walks out of the theater crying. The two movies were disasters and cost Hasbro millions. With the failure of My Little Pony and Transformers, Hasbro started to panic. It already had one movie in the works: GI Joe: The Movie. While the movie was too far along to scrap, they muscled through and went for a straight-to-video/syndication release. It was a big deal. My friend Ben, who had a birthday a few days before mine, bought it and we watched it for his birthday.

The movie itself is fine. It has a great opening scene, with a new title sequence and a theme song that is exceptionally shitty. The biggest change came from Hasbro learning the mistakes of Transformers, so GI Joe opted to not kill off a main character that they originally planned to (it’s very obvious in the edits if you’ve seen the movie). Followed by the utter failure of the live action Masters of the Universe, 1987 pretty much marks the end of the Deregulation era for many of us children of the '80s, as both Mattel and Hasbro found the current business model was no longer financially viable. Between 1987 and 1988, we saw the end of cartoon productions like Jem, Glo Friends, My Little Pony, Silverhawks, Thundercats, She-Ra, GI Joe, and Transformers.

It wasn’t until years later that many of these movies and shows found a new life on DVD as the '80s generation tried to recapture its youth. The good news is that pretty much every one of these shows can be bought cheaply on DVD, and movies like Masters of the Universe and Transformers have found new life as cult classics and discussed ad nauseam in the stockrooms of comic book stores and lines at Comic Cons. For most of us children of the '80s, there are a lot of the fond memories spent with these toys, in front of the TV, or in the movie theater. It all came to an end in 1987.

Off the Shelf (1987 Week Edition): Black Widow (Blu-ray)

by Patrick Bromley

She mates and she kills.

Once upon a time, there were mid-budget movies made for adults. In the 1970s, that was the mainstream. By the 1980s, things began to fracture off a bit — there were blockbusters and cheap genre fare on opposite ends of the spectrum, but the middle class movie made for grownups was still a staple of the Hollywood system. It slowly began to dry up in the ‘90s and has all but disappeared in the 2000s, save for the occasional crop of awards bait contenders we get at the end of each yearly cycle. This makes a movie like 1987’s Black Widow something of a cultural artifact.

That’s too bad, because it’s a really good movie — the kind of character-driven noir that was right at home in the 1970s. That makes sense, as it’s directed by Bob Rafelson, a filmmaker who helped redefine Hollywood by producing Easy Rider and directing films such as Five Easy Pieces and The King of Marvin Gardens. Black Widow is one of only two movies Rafelson directed in the ‘80s (the other, his remake of The Postman Always Rings Twice, was released in 1980) and one of only 10 theatrical features he’s ever made. It’s a shame we didn’t get more movies from him, but I guess that makes the few films he did manage to direct that much more special…even when one of them is Man Trouble.

Black Widow stars Debra Winger as Alex Barnes, an agent with the USDoJ who zeroes in on a series of murders she believes to be committed by Catherine Petersen (Theresa Russell), a woman who marries wealthy men and then mysteriously kills them off before moving on and changing her identity. Alex goes undercover to Hawaii and befriends Catherine to find evidence of her crimes — or, even better, to catch her in the act.

There is nothing showy about Black Widow, which might explain why it’s a movie best remembered by those who might have caught in on cable back in the late 1980s. At the same time, it’s a movie that is quietly remarkable. It’s a drama with two women at its center, which (as is pointed out on the commentary included here) was once commonplace but had fallen out of favor by the time this film was made. It predates the “erotic thriller” movement of the ‘90s about dangerous women playing psychosexual games — the one kicked off by Basic Instinct — but does so without being overtly sexual or graphic in its content (save for a minor scene of nudity, there’s hardly anything in the movie to even warrant an R rating, which is also pointed out on the commentary). The script by Ronald Bass upends many of the tropes we’ve come to predict from stories like this. There is an erotic undercurrent to the relationship between the two leads that never becomes text, as Rafelson resists the urge to be exploitative or lascivious. There is little mystery as to whether or not Catherine is a murderer. There’s even little mystery as to whether or not she will discover Alex’s true identity. This is a movie about smart characters and gives the audience credit for being smart, too.

Black Widow comes to Blu-ray courtesy of Twilight Time (licensed from Fox) in a limited run of 3,000 units. They’ve done their usual great work with the technical aspects of the disc, offering a very strong 1080p transfer that carries a huge amount of detail and a wonderful film-like grain structure throughout the movie without ever turning into a lot of swirling digital noise. The lossless stereo audio track mixes the dialogue with Michael Small’s very good score — a score which, like on all of Twilight Time’s releases, is offered isolated on a separate audio track. The other bonus features include a trailer and some TV spots as well as a casual but informative commentary from Twilight Time’s Nick Redman and Julie Virgo, both of whom have very positive things to say about a movie they rightfully feel deserves more attention.

It’s a bummer that films like Black Widow aren’t made much anymore, but at least there are labels like Twilight Time attempting to rescue them from relative obscurity and restore their reputations. It may not have left a huge cultural impact, but it boasts moody direction, a smart script and two excellent performances. If that’s not why we go to the movies, I don’t know what is.

Blu-ray release date: October 13, 2015
102 minutes/1987/R
1.85:1 (1080p)
DTS HD 2.0 Master Audio (English)

Blu-ray Bonus Features:
Commentary
Trailers
Isolated Score

Riske Business: Songs I Love from 1987 Movies

by Adam Riske

Your pre-game playlist for next Saturday’s F This Movie Fest 6 has arrived!

Title: “Shakedown”
Artist: Bob Seger
From: Beverly Hills Cop II



Beverly Hills Cop II Music Consultant: “Bob, thanks for coming in. Sit down. Sit down.”

Bob Seger: “Sure. Thanks for having me.”

Consultant: “I’m gonna cut to the chase. We need a macho song for the lead single to Beverly Hills Cop II.”

Bob Seger: “More than 'The Heat Is On'?”

Consultant: “Bob? Please! Cop II is a whole other ball game. None of that Mickey Mouse kids’ stuff from Marty Brest’s picture. We got this guy, Tony Scott, he made Top Gun.”

Bob Seger: “Yeah, well I don’t know. I always thought of Beverly Hills Cop as a comedy before some sort of macho swag. I just don’t have any ideas off the top of my mind.”

Consultant: “I don’t presume to tell Bob Seger his business, but may I offer one suggestion that I think might help? A1 Steak Sauce!”

Bob Seger: “A1 Steak Sauce?”

Consultant: “If A1 Steak Sauce were a song…that’s what I want.”

Bob Seger: “I’ve got just the thing!”

Title: “The Girls and Boys of Rock and Roll”
Artist: The Chipmunks and the Chipettes
From: The Chipmunk Adventure



I legitimately think this song has a good chorus (“You better believe it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”). It also reminds me of a great day in my life when I was at my 5th birthday party (I think it was at Hardee’s???) and my dad was like “Hey, after this want to go see The Chipmunk Adventure at the mall?” Parents, remember, it’s the small stuff like that which determines if your grown child will one day pick up your mail when you go on vacation.

Title: “Catch Me (I’m Falling)”
Artist: Pretty Poison
From: Hiding Out



I love Hiding Out. It’s the type of movie I watched way too many times when it was on HBO and I was too young to know what was going on. All I knew was I thought Jon Cryer was funny and Annabeth Gish was a fox. I caught up with it a few years ago on Netflix and I still like it! Anyways, this song from the movie by Pretty Poison rules. I especially like the part (first appearance is around the 1:15 mark) were she goes “Ca.Ca.Catch Me I’m Falling” because it sound like she’s really falling! I know I am right for loving this song because in the YouTube sidebar it offers up Jane Child and Taylor Dayne videos as next-ups. Whatever happened to Jane Child? “Don’t Want to Fall in Love” is a hot song. She had a chain in her nose.

Title: “Hazy Shade of Winter”
Artist: The Bangles
From: Less than Zero



That…guitar…riff…omg! I much prefer The Bangles version of “Hazy Shade of Winter” to the original. It’s one of the best songs ever. And how foxy is Susanna Hoffs (and she’s Jewish too…omg)? This song and video captured my imagination so much in 1987 that I remember really wanting to see the drug drama Less than Zero and I was in kindergarten! It would take five years of D.A.R.E. to make me forget that drugs are probably not like hanging out on a left-over Elm Street: Dream Warriors set, listening to the hottest song, sung by the hottest girl. My teacher in class would ask “Adam, what do you think of drugs, aren’t they bad?” and I would answer “Bow..bow..bow..wa.. wo..wa..wa..oh..wow.”

Title: “Light of Day”
Artist: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
From: Light of Day



Ok, look, Bruce Springsteen wrote this song so of course it’s going to be good. His version is better because he’s Bruce Springsteen. BUT Joan Jett (one of my first crushes, according to my mom) is no slouch and her take, from the movie Light of Day, rocks too. Is Michael J. Fox really playing guitar here? Is the other guitar player Michael McKean? Checking…yeah it is! Is Light of Day worth a re-watch? I remember it being a drag.

Title: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”
Artist: Starship
From: Mannequin



This song might come from Mannequin but it is perfected by Bill Hader and Kristin Wiig (the funniest woman in the world) in the movie The Skeleton Twins. That aside, this is the type of song I used to pretend I didn’t love and then I got in touch with my emotions and saw it for the masterpiece it is. This video is insane. Some of my favorite parts include the 0:18 mark where the dude (I don’t know his name…Starship had like 300 members) is all “Did I leave the stove on?” The female singer looks like my ACT tutor in high school (I got a 26 in case you were curious but like a 31 in English which is why I write for F This Movie! and am not a Science or Math worker person). Also great, 1:55 where she turns on the hose. It’s so dumb! BTW…how did homeboy turn into a mannequin at the end of the video? Like, I can buy a mannequin coming to life but without Vincent Price, isn’t a man to mannequin transformation a little far-fetched?

Title: “Mind Over Matter”
Artist: E.G. Daily
From: Summer School



I used to watch Summer School a lot on cable. The horror scene used to scare me, but it’s a movie that fucking works. Mark Harmon is like La Croix Costner, so I wasn’t exactly a hard sell admittedly being that I love both. I’m also 100% sure that if my dad and Mark Harmon met in real life they would be best friends (he loves NCIS). But, for reals, who knew E.G. Daily had a GREAT song in her like “Mind Over Matter”? Why this wasn’t a huge hit…I’m sure I don’t know. Wait, this was an unreleased Debbie Harry song?

Title: “Causing a Commotion”
Artist: Madonna
From: Who’s That Girl?



Cartoon opening credits! I could have easily gone with the title track from Who’s That Girl? but totes my fave is “Causing a Commotion.” One thing I love about Madonna is that she doesn’t phone in her soundtrack singles. Think about it: ”Crazy for You,” “Into the Groove,”etc. etc. I don’t remember this movie being very good, though. And how many cheetah (Or is it a Jaguar? I don’t know. I only got a 26 on my ACT) scenes are there in Who’s that Girl?

Happy 1987 week everyone!

No Apologies: Spaceballs

by Rob DiCristino

My first Mel Brooks film is still my favorite.

Let’s just get this out of the way up front: 1987’s Spaceballs is not Mel Brooks’ best film. Not by a long shot. It’s nowhere close. Hell, it’s not even the best Star Wars parody out there. There are a lot of things about it that are objectively bad, and many people find it completely obnoxious. Those people are total heroes. Patriots. We can still be friends. But we often cannot choose how the world unfolds itself before us, and it just so happens that this cruel, uncaring world unfolded Spaceballs upon me early — early enough that it would come to play a major role in my understanding of satire, parody, and goofball comedy in general. I won’t go into how often my brother and I rented it or how we loved reenacting the Schwartz ring fight scene long before we knew what our dicks were or why they were hilarious, but the movie made an impression. And again, it’s a dumb movie. It’s cheap and dated and a lot of the jokes are lazy as hell. But the point is that certain movies program our sensibilities and create a baseline for future experiences, and Spaceballs did that for me.

In Spaceballs, the peaceful Druidians (specifically Dick Van Patten as King Roland) have come under threat by a ruthless race of dingbats led by the bumbling President Skroob (Mel Brooks). After depleting his own air supply through one incompetence or another, Skroob targets Druidia, kidnapping the beautiful Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga — the stunning, sharp, underused-in-anything-she’s-in Daphne Zuniga) hoping to extort the planet’s air shield combination from her father.* The desperate Roland hires renowned space pirate Lone Starr (Bill Pullman) and his sidekick Barf (John Candy) to rescue her. Meanwhile, the battleship Spaceball One — under the command of Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) and Colonel Sandurz (George Wyner) — carries out the evil Skroob’s machinations against Druidia. While he searches for the lost princess, Lone Star must study the mystical Schwartz with the wise and powerful Yogurt (Mel Brooks again) and discover the truth about his secret lineage.

The script, penned by Brooks, Ronny Graham, and Tom Meehan, finds a nice balance between Star Wars parody and general fairy tale adventure. No, I’m serious. It’s totally ridiculous and fatally disjointed, but it manages to forge its own satirical path through cliché after cliché while retaining endless charm and self-awareness. There’s a universality to Star Wars’ tropes that allows them to serve a number of narrative functions. Right away, from the opening crawl to the preposterously-long entrance of Spaceball One, we’re all in on the joke. That joke, as it turns out, is angled as much at the phenomenon of merchandising and ancillary video cassette markets as it is at the text of the film itself. Recalling Blazing Saddles’ final sequence (and, honestly, a thousand other sequences in Brooks’ films), Spaceballs takes a brilliant metatextual conceit to its logical conclusion through a recurring thread of fourth wall annihilation. It wasn’t a new idea, but it was especially resonant in a world that had completely absorbed Star Wars into its cultural vocabulary.

This is where Spaceballs made its mark on me. It was one of the first movies I’d seen (maybe a year or so before Last Action Hero) that functioned as a commentary on other movies and addressed me, specifically, as a movie lover. It broke through my childhood delusions about the infallible and immaculate nature of the Star Wars trilogy and taught me to have a sense of humor about it. Yes, Darth Vader’s helmet is kind of silly. Yes, it’s weird that Han Solo talks to his dog. And yes, the number of Star Wars lunch boxes, t-shirts, and action figures was (and still is) goddamn ridiculous. But it never felt cruel or dismissive. In fact, by imitating Star Wars’ sprawling locales and swashbuckling action, it was codifying what makes them so appealing. It actually made my Star Wars viewing experience better, somehow. Seeing those films through this new lens gave me a better picture of myself as a movie fan, giving a name to the language and cadence my favorite movies shared and pushing me to further develop that vocabulary. It opened my door to Mystery Science Theater 3000 and everything that would come after.

And look, a lot of what Joan Rivers does as Dot Matrix (including being called Dot Matrix) feels outdated. The whole “Druish princess who had a nose job” thing is kind of cringeworthy in our age of wokeness. I’ll probably have to explain to my kid who Michael Winslow is if he’s going to understand the radar scene. But the best gags in Spaceballs work because they expose filmmaking as a technical process with flaws and limitations: take the stunt doubles joke, for example, or the instant cassette scene. They felt truly innovative, the product of a group of comedians who — as Brooks says in his commentary track — loved mocking the movie business until they discovered how hard movies were to make. Those jokes may or may not work for you, but they’re super risky, dependent almost entirely on an audience’s willingness to have that same sense of humor about themselves as I did. Dark Helmet fast-forwarding trough the movie to find out where his enemies are hiding is fucking hilarious, but it’s going to confuse people if they’re not on board with Brooks’ particular, cynically-edged ethos. For a film often associated with the “end” of Mel Brooks, Spaceballs pushes an impressive set of boundaries.

“I’m both proud and ashamed of that joke,” Brooks repeats throughout his commentary, referring to Spaceballs’ “spaghetti-meet-wall” approach to comedy. Alone, these tactics would tire fast, but Brooks’ always-impeccable casting keeps things fresh: Rick Moranis’ nebbish and insecure Darth Vader clone owns the film (helped tremendously by his comedic timing with George Wyler), and Bill Pullman makes his first strong argument for the leading man status he’d soon achieve. Most impressively, Spaceballs is a comedy starring John Candy that doesn’t actually need John Candy. He’s a bonus, a little treat for the kids. And it’s kids like me who are going to remember Spaceballs most fondly, the kids in whom it sparked an interest in a specific type of comedy that would only grow with age and experience. Spaceballs led me to Young Frankenstein, which led me to Blazing Saddles, which led me to Woody Allen and Monty Python. We often cannot choose how the world unfolds itself before us, but I’ll always be glad it showed me Spaceballs first.

*Seriously, tell me you didn’t think of Spaceballs when you saw that planet shield thingie in Rogue One.

Off the Shelf (1987 Week Edition): Malone (Blu-ray)

by Patrick Bromley

He didn’t start the fight…but he’ll sure as hell finish it.

Though Burt Reynolds will most likely be best remembered as an icon of the 1970s, a decade during which he was one of the biggest box office draws in the country and made several classic movies like Deliverance, Hooper, The Longest Yard and White Lightning, a big part of me prefers the Burt Reynolds of the ‘80s. His star had fallen somewhat, and while he wasn’t yet destroying his legacy by appearing in any terrible project willing to offer him a paycheck, his choice of projects was often a little darker, a little nastier and a little tougher than some of his previous work (this applies only to his action movies and dramas, of course, and not to stuff like The Cannonball Run and its sequel). These traits all apply to Malone, his 1987 crime drama available on Blu-ray as part of Kino Lorber’s “Studio Classics” line.

Adapted from the novel of the same name by William P. Wingate, Malone finds Reynolds playing ex-CIA operative Richard Malone, who, as the movie opens, walks away from a job and hits the road. He ends up at a small country house owned by a kindly mechanic (Scott Wilson) and his young daughter (the always adorable Cynthia Gibb). He discovers that the town is under the control of ruthless businessman Charles Delaney (Cliff Robertson) and his squad of hitmen and goons, which rubs Malone the wrong way. After a number of altercations that end in violence, Malone’s CIA handler and ex-lover Jamie (Lauren Hutton) steps in to help out. Ultimately, though, it’s a situation Malone has to handle by himself…and handle it he does.

Many an action icon has his own Malone, in which the hero arrives in a sleepy town and discovers misdeeds, making changes and often depending on the kindness of strangers. Steven Segal made Fire Down Below. Jean-Claude Van Damme made Nowhere to Run. Swayze made Road House. If I prefer any of those movies to Malone it’s most likely because I grew up in the era (era) of the ‘80s and ‘90s action star, having less a relationship to Burt Reynolds. He’s appropriately tough here, though, and fun to watch in that grim-faced, just-how-badass-is-he way. There are long stretches without any action, but even those beats are easy to get through thanks to the performances by Wilson and Gibe, radiating all of the likability that Reynolds is keeping in check. Director Harley Cokeliss isn’t afraid to let the scenes at the house play out quietly and stages the action with little pretentiousness. It’s meat-and-potatoes stuff, up until the point when the movie stops so Burt Reynolds and Lauren Hutton can hang out for a little while (and a ludicrous final shot, about which the less said the better). Detour aside, Malone is a satisfying little late ‘80s sleeper.

Kino Lorber’s Blu-ray of Malone presents the movie in a full 1080p HD widescreen transfer in its original 1.85:1 aspect ratio. The transfer is somewhat uneven, with colors coming off as washed out and grain levels changing drastically from one shot to the next. It’s certainly watchable, but that’s as much praise as I can offer the HD master for this catalogue title. The lossless stereo audio track is equally adequate; dialogue is clear and some of the action effects are afforded more attention, but it’s a straightforward presentation at best. The only bonus feature is the film’s original theatrical trailer accompanied by a collection of HD trailers for other Burt Reynolds movies, most of which are available on Blu-ray from Kino Lorber: White Lightning, Gator, Sam Whiskey and Navajo Joe.

My affection for Malone can mostly be attributed to my having a high tolerance for this kind of junk. But as junk goes, Malone is pretty good. I dig this period in Burt Reynolds’ filmography (the era [era] of Sharky's Machine) and Malone is a solid example of the kinds of darker, more violent movies he was making in the later ‘80s. Kino Lorber’s Blu-ray is just ok in terms of A/V presentation and bonus features, but any Burt Reynolds completist would do right to add this catalogue title to his or her library. Plus, you know, Cynthia Gibb.

Blu-ray release date: October 13, 2015
92 minutes/1987/R
1.85:1 (1080p)
DTS-HD 2.0 Master Audio (English)

Blu-ray Bonus Features:
Trailer
Bonus Trailers

F This Movie! 372 - Everybody Rank Chump Tonight

Patrick and Doug get you ready for F This Movie Fest 6, count down their favorite movies of 1987 and explore Kevin Costner's fixation with pee.



Download this episode here. (40.3 MB)

Subscribe to F This Movie! in iTunes.

Listen to F This Movie! on Stitcher.

Also discussed this episode: Lion (2016), Hidden Figures (2016), The Secret Life of Pets (2016), They Call Me Bruce? (1982), The Running Man (1987), Hellraiser (1987), The Believers (1987)

Reserved Seating (1987 Edition): The Future of Movies

by Rob DiCristino and Adam Riske

Rob and Adam are off this week, so we’re running a classic episode that originally aired in February 1987. Enjoy!

Announcer: Live from the Beverly Hills Howard Johnson Hotel in Chaparral B, it’s RESERVED SEATING!!!!

(Long delay due to overwhelming crowd noise)

(Red carpet unfurls. Adam and Rob walk toward podiums)

(Continued applause)

Adam: On this week’s special episode, Rob and I predict the future of movies - what’s going to be righteous and what will gag me with a spoon. I’m Adam Riske.

Rob: And I’m Rob DiCristino, ready with the spoon.

(Applause)

Adam: Like, I’m so sure!

Tom Hanks had a busy year in 1986 with The Money Pit and Nothing in Common. He’s stars with Dan Aykroyd in the upcoming big-screen adaptation of Dragnet. I think there’s more to the guy than what we’ve seen, so I’m going to use my first prediction to say that Tom Hanks is going to become a big box office star and probably win an Oscar or two before it’s all said and done. The public likes him and I like him too. Will he break out in 1987? Perhaps. But I’m more willing to bet he’ll have a BIG year in 1988.

(Audible booing)

Rob: Sorry, Adam. I just don’t see it. He’s a goofball actor with limited range and no sex appeal. My money’s on Matthew Broderick, the young star of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He just exudes confidence and masculinity, and I think we’re going to see big things from him as a leading man in the future.

(Ferocious, uproarious applause)

Adam: Matthew Broderick? I just don’t see it. Maybe in supporting roles or on stage. He’s got Project X coming out in April which I barely think will make $3.5 million more than its budget. But that’s just a wild guess. I don’t have a crystal ball. And more sex appeal than Hanks? Clearly not, as we’ll learn when I take the question to our live audience.

(Adam walks off-stage into the cheap seats)

Adam: You look like someone who has sex. Would you rather do Tom Hanks or Matthew Broderick?

Audience Member: Barf me out! Broderick?

Adam: There you have it, Rob.

(Crowd throws things at Rob)

Rob: Speaking of hot sex, my first prediction is for the Star Trek film franchise, which returned with a vengeance in 1986 with The Voyage Home. Leonard Nimoy’s brisk direction and the film’s welcome mix of science fiction and comedy breathes fresh air to the long-running space adventure series, pushing it far outside the purview of the small screen forever. I have every confidence that they’ll continue to innovate throughout the 1990s, and I look forward to what William Shatner and company do next.

(Standing ovation)

Adam: With Shatner in the command chair, I bet he’ll nearly kill the franchise. Let’s ask a member from our audience. Young man, what do you think will be the future of the Star Trek franchise?

Young Audience Member: Um. Good. I don’t know. I’m nervous. I think you’re really great, Mr. Riske.

Rob: Boooooooo!

Adam: What’s your name?

Young Audience Member: Aaron Daddario.

(Baby cries)

Adam: Who’s that?

Aaron Daddario: My cousin Alexandra.

Adam: I’m ready for my next prediction, Rob. That baby, Alexandra Daddario, is going to become a star! Do your thing, cuz!

Rob: Now you’re just being ridiculous, Adam. This is outrageous. Look at that baby! She can’t even feed herself! A star!? Stars can feed themselves, Adam. And they don’t cry or wet their pants.

Adam: Then you’ve never spent a weekend with Tom Berenger. He’s grody to the max.

(Audience groans)

Adam: (to audience) Oh, bag your face!

Rob: Let’s talk about Eddie Murphy. The Golden Child was a critical disappointment, signaling a downslide from the comedy star. It’s a tasteless, unfunny film that may have destroyed his career forever. Your thoughts on Murphy’s future?

Adam: 1987-1988: good; 1989-1991: bad; 1992: a little better; 1993-1995: bad; 1996: a big resurgence; 1997-2001: riding off that resurgence; 2002-2005: bad; 2006: A bump upward; 2007 to 2016: sparse and mostly terrible. This is according to my guru, so take it with a grain of salt.

Rob: That’s a thorough, detailed prediction!

Adam: Just a guess. Nothing more.

Rob: And now, a commercial break!

Commercial Break:











Rob: Welcome back! Let’s shift to this year’s Academy Awards, where the field of potential winners is as competitive as ever! This year’s nominees for Best Picture include Hannah and Her Sisters, A Room with a View, Children of a Lesser God, Platoon, and The Mission. All fine films! Every one of them sure to be a household name for years to come! Adam, what’s your pick for Best Picture?

Adam: That’s boring, Rob! Instead, why don’t we ask our friend Hoot, the spotted owl?

(Adam holds out his arm and Hoot lands on it. Crowd oooh’s/ahhh’s)

Adam: Hannah and Her Sisters?

Hoot:

Adam: A Room with a View?

(Hoot makes owl noises)

Adam: There you have it folks! A Room with a View, according to Hoot. I think he’s wrong and it will be Platoon. Rob, do you think this will be the year for Paul Newman to finally receive an Oscar?

Rob: No idea, but the man makes a damn fine salad dressing. Care for some?

(Rob offers Adam a bite of his Caesar salad)

(Hoot demonstratively flies away)

(Smash cut to Helen Slater laughing)

Adam: Speed round Rob: 1) What will be the highest grossing film of 1987?

Rob: There are two things I know about America, Adam: they love adventures, and they love babysitting. Only one film has both.

Adam: 2) What will the Ishtar legacy be 30 years from now?

Rob: Look, sometimes Warren Beatty owes you a favor. What you do with it is your business.

Adam: 3) Bigger summer smash – Jaws: The Revenge or Superman IV: The Quest for Peace?

Rob: Teen Wolf Too.

Adam: 4) How many Bond movies will Timothy Dalton star in (including this year’s The Living Daylights)?

Rob: Dalton is forty years old at the moment, which, judging by Roger Moore’s run, means he can play Bond well into the 2020s. Eleven.

Adam: 5) Kirk Cameron makes the leap from TV’s Growing Pains to the big screen with Like Father Like Son later this year. How many Oscars do you see in this young man’s future?

Rob: Two. No. Three. Wait, which one is Christian Slater?

Adam: Join us next week when Rob & I review Mannequin, the new romantic comedy with Andrew McCarthy where he weighs the moral quandary — “Should I fuck it?” Until next time…

Rob: These seats are reserved.